India’s Manhattan heroes

Rumours that a committee comprising Cabinet Secretary K M Chandrasekhar, Home Secretary G K Pillai and National Security Advisor Shivshanker Menon had been set up to coordinate on all matters relating to security and intelligence may not be fully accurate, but it has not stopped the three from becoming a subject of babu jokes. With all hailing from Kerala, these three powerful officers are now being compared to the trio of Hungarian scientists — Leo Szilard, John van Neumann and Edward Teller — who had collaborated on the famous Manhattan Project, the name given to the secret project that produced the atomic bomb during the World War II. It is said that whenever those three scientists had to discuss anything secret regarding the bomb, they decided the best way was to speak in their native language, Hungarian.

Now Chandrasekhar, Pillai and Menon can use the same ploy — speak in Malayalam on top secret matters of national security.

Ivanka Trump’s accused stalker jokes he’s got his eye on her mom

New York, May 19 (ANI): Businesswoman Ivanka Trump’s accused stalker has revealed that he is over her and that he is now moving on to his next target – her mother Ivana Trump.

Justin Massler, 27, joked about his plan in a rambling, tongue-in-cheek chat outside a Manhattan courthouse on May 18.

“You know who I don’t have an order of protection against? Ivana Trump,” the New York Daily News quoted him as saying.

“Maybe I’ll start stalking her,” he stated.

Massler, who flew in from Reno, Nev., for a five-minute court hearing, insisted he now has zero interest in the 27-year-old daughter of developer Donald Trump.

“Ivanka? That was months ago. I’m not even stalking anymore,” he said before going on to explain his fascination with her.

“She’s just like a princess. I’ve got to marry the most beautiful princess in the land,” he added. (ANI)

Obama”s comedy timing trumps Jay Leno

New York, May 3 (ANI): President Barack Obama trumped Jay Leno with his ‘impeccable’ comic timing at the White House Correspondents” dinner at Hilton in Washington, DC.

While the ‘Tonight Show’ host poked some fun at Obama, it was the latter who got the most laughs.

“His timing was impeccable,” the New York Daily News quoted Scarlett Johansson as saying about the President.

‘Knocked Up’ director Judd Apatow said speechwriter Jon Lovett gave his boss some knockout material about birthers, Biden and McCain.

But it was the delivery that made Obama take the cake.

“I”m sure they gave the President twice as many jokes. I think a lot of the success had to do with the ones the President chose. His taste is impeccable He also let himself be funny. Most of the time the job demands that he hold back,” saod Apatow.

“Jay wasn”t bad. The video bits were nice. But he was reading from notecards. The gags didn”t fly, ” said one guest. (ANI)

Manual on driving etiquette published by Debrett”s

London, Mar 31 (ANI): British etiquette publisher Debrett”s has come out with a manual on the proper way to behave behind the wheel.

The society publisher has put together its own publication to guide motorists in the right direction, laying out rules from being a good car host to the protocol of music choice.

For instance, the Thoroughly Modern Motoring Manners book says, a chivalrous man will ensure that his female passenger is comfortable before the journey begins.

He should “offer to take her coat, check that her seat is adjusted and be sure that the temperature is to her liking”, it explains.

The lady passenger “will expect her man to be a calm and competent driver. Any signs of aggression and she will most likely assume that in life – as well as behind the wheel – he is volatile and impatient”.

And the perfect passenger will be “as well-behaved and polite in the car as he is when he”s out and about. He realises that jokes about women drivers are clichéd and is never a backseat driver. He”s happy to sit back and enjoy the ride”.

Sky News quoted some of the rules Debrett”s pointed out.

Unless you”re a karaoke-pro or trying to entertain the children, avoid singing along. Equally, save whistling for solo drives.

“As a passenger, you don”t have to concentrate on the road.”

“Engage in conversation, but be quiet during tricky manoeuvres and challenging situations.”

Even among the best-mannered people, the choice of music in a confined space can be a problem. Our etiquette guide has a solution for this too.

“Music should be carefully chosen and kept at a sociable volume. Save contentious remarks and heated discussions for non-mobile situations.”

“Unless you”re a karaoke-pro or trying to entertain the children, avoid singing along. Equally, save whistling for solo drives.”

Earlier generations of “young gels” fully understood that getting in and out of cars elegantly needed some training.

Today”s young ladies will be relieved to know that the rules still apply if you want to preserve your dignity.

“Smooth down your skirt. Keeping your knees together, swivel your body and swing your legs outwards.”

“Place one foot down, keeping your knees together. Dip your head and shoulders forward and slide and glide out of the car.” (ANI)

Ant and Dec horrified that audience were paid to laugh at their jokes

London, Aug 25 (ANI): Brit comedy duo Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly, better know as Ant and Dec, have revealed that they were horrified to find out that an audience in the US was paid to laugh at their jokes.

American TV chiefs were desperate for the British unknowns to become instant hits with their version of You Bet, known as Wanna Bet, and so they paid audience members each 15 dollars an hour to cheer and laugh.

“We were virtual unknowns but we walked out to thunderous applause on the first night,” the Daily Star quoted Dec, 33, as telling Q magazine.

“The show went unbelievably well and afterwards we said to the producer: ‘What an incredible audience.’

“And he said: ‘Yeah, it’s amazing what you can get for 15 dollars an hour.’ They paid the audience to be there for three hours,” he said.

Ant, also 33, added: “We saw them afterwards, queuing up for America’s Got Talent.” (ANI)

German academic calls humour ‘an act of aggression’

London, August 24 (ANI): A German academic sees humour as an act of aggression, and says that people who make others laugh think that they are higher up the social ladder than their audiences.

Helga Kotthoff, of the Frieburg University of Education, claims that dominant people exploit the ability to make others laugh as a degree of control to show that they are in charge.

“Those ‘on top’ are freer to make others laugh. They are also freer to be more aggressive and a lot of what is funny is making jokes at someone else’s expense,” the Telegraph quoted her as saying.

“Displaying humour means taking control of the situation from those higher up the hierarchy and this is risky for people of lower status, which before the 1960s meant women rarely made other people laugh-they couldn’t afford to.

“Comedy and satire are based on aggressiveness and not being nice. Until the 1960s it was seen as unladylike to be funny. But even now women tend to prefer telling jokes at their own expense and men tend to prefer telling jokes at other people’s expense,” she added.

According to Helga, the differences between men’s and women’s ability to become comedians starts very young.

She supports this by pointing out that boys as young as four can be seen telling more jokes, frolicking, and clowning about, whereas the girls tend to be the ones doing the laughing.

However, she adds, women tend to become funnier in later age because they feel freer to not be seen as ladylike.

Helga thinks that humour, including teasing, is a mix of “bonding and biting”, which is often used by women to form social bonds with their friends.

Men, on the other hand, often use humour to vent frustration, she says.

However, according to Helga, both sexes use comedy as a means of controlling others.

She said: “For example, doctors sometimes use humour to comfort patients but also to silence them if, for example, the patient displays too much knowledge of a medical condition. Nurses and midwives tend to tell jokes about patients but not when the doctor is present. And when someone initiates a joke they tend to be ignored if they are in the presence of someone of a higher status.”

Helga even suggested that it was because of the fact that most humour is an act of aggression that women rarely became comediennes in public or private until the sexual revolution of the 1960s.

“A study in the late 1980s showed that men use sexual jokes as a way of verbally undressing a woman who rebuts his advances; his humour was aggressive in essence,” she said.

The study was published in the Journal of Pragmatics. (ANI)

Nugatory Definition | Nugatory | Nugatory: Definition of Nugatory | nu·ga·to·ry | Dictionary | Nouns

Nugatory Definition | Nugatory | Nugatory: Definition of Nugatory | nu·ga·to·ry | Dictionary |  Nouns

Nugatory Definition

  • Main Entry: nu·ga·to·ry
  • Pronunciation: \ˈnü-gə-ˌtȯr-ē, ˈnyü-\
  • Function: adjective
  • Etymology: Latin nugatorius, from nugari to trifle, from nugae trifles
  • Origin: 1595–1605

Adjective Formal:
1.     of no real value; trifling; worthless.
2.     of no force or effect; ineffective; futile; vain.
3.     not valid.

Synonyms:
1. trivial, insignificant, frivolous.
2. useless, inoperative.

Nugatory Origin & History: “trifling, of no value,” 1603, from L. nugatorius “worthless, futile,” from nugator (gen. nugatoris) “jester, trifler,” from nugatus, pp. of nugari “to trifle,” from nugæ (gen. nugarum) “jokes, jests, trifles,” of unknown origin.

Ronaldo’s bodyguards ‘follow him to loo’

London, July 09 (ANI): Cristiano Ronaldo is miffed with the security Real Madrid chiefs provided him after his bodyguards reportedly followed him to the loo at a bar in Lisbon.

The soccer star, who recently moved to Real Madrid from Manchester Utd for 80 million pounds, had gone to celebrate with his friends to the bar.

“I’m not sure how happy Cristiano is about this new attention he’s receiving,” the Daily star quoted an onlooker as saying.

“He was laughing and making jokes – but I can imagine being constantly watched is going to grind him down quite soon.

“A few of the girls in the bar were joking that if they’d ended up in Ronaldo’s bed they would probably have found the minder there too,” the onlooker added.

However, the 24-hour security provided by the club bosses is a precautionary measure after recent incidents when he got caught up in two clashes with a fan and photographers.

A club source acknowledged the lack of privacy, he said: “It can be a little intrusive, but at least these men can be trusted.”

“Ronaldo fever” has gripped Spain and the star’s nation Portugal after his move to the Spanish club.

Around 75,000 Real fans had turned out for the official unveiling of their new hero. (ANI)

Ancelotti jokes that Terry may not captain Chelsea in 2010

London, July 7 (ANI): Chelsea coach Carlo Ancelotti has described club and England captain John Terry as the team’s most valuable player and talisman, but astonished everyone by jokingly saying that he may not be skipper in 2010.

Terry has been captain Chelsea since May 2005 and England captain since August 2006,

“I think that John Terry is a symbol of this team but I don’t know if he will be the captain next season.”

“Naturally, I joke,” he laughed. “I like to joke in the press conference,” The Sun quoted him, as saying.Terry has said he wants to stay for ever at Chelsea and we want to keep him for ever.”

The England captain is being seriously courted by Manchester City with big money on the table.

And until Terry comes out and states categorically how much he wants to stay at Chelsea, doubts will remain.

The Blues board are impatiently waiting for Terry to kill City’s overtures stone-dead. They expect a statement of loyalty from Mr. Chelsea and a single sentence would do the job – but so far silence.

Ancelotti admitted he had only spoken to Terry once when he was first appointed and that a month has gone by since any conversation between them.

He says Terry wants to stay but he has not heard that from his skipper’s mouth since City made their latest 30-million-pound bid. (ANI)

Sandra Bullock has deadly well of evil in her, jokes co-star Ryan Reynolds

Washington, July 6 (ANI): Sandra Bullock has a “bottomless well of evil” in her, her ‘Proposal’ co-star Ryan Reynolds jokingly says.

The actor, who plays assistant Andrew Paxton to the actress’ character Margaret Tate, said that Sandra was quite a natural in playing the catty character.

“There is a bottomless well of evil in her. It could unleash at any moment, froth over and kill you all,” Contactmusic quoted him as saying.

The beauty was no less mischievous when questioned about her character.

She told BANG Showbiz: “The inspiration for Margaret? You know what? I’m a b***h. In real life, I am a b***h. I am an actress and I act nice and play nice.”

She added: “Honestly, it was written up well, and when something is written like that you just bring little details and characters that you thing will help a bit.” (ANI)

Jennifer Garner threatened Kevin Smith for making fun of Ben Affleck

New York, June 19 (ANI): Director Kevin Smith has revealed that he was once threatened by Jennifer Garner for making fun of her husband/actor Ben Affleck.

Smith, who is a long-time friend of Affleck, said that Garner got annoyed with him while he was just kidding about his good pal.

“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humour as me – she did not like my jokes,” the New York Daily News quoted Smith as saying.

“I was picking on [Jen's husband] Ben Affleck and making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time – I was talking smack – and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your a-.’ And she could – I’ve seen ‘Alias.’ She has a real girly sense of humour and didn’t understand that I was kidding.”

Smith added: “I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.’”

Smith, however, has a lot of affection for Affleck.

“Ben is one of the most intelligent people on the planet. He will run for office and one day be President, and then we’ll smoke a joint in the Oval Office. He’s very well spoken and been brought up extremely well, but he’s filthy,” he said. (ANI)

Who wins the battle of the sexes?

London, May 26 (ANI): The battle of the sexes has been going on since the conception of the world. Now, researchers have used science to put the record straight.

Results of many recent studies have shed new light on the answers to some key questions in the age-old battle of the sexes, reports The Mirror.

Driving

Women really are worse drivers than men, revealed a computer-based study at the University of London, which claimed that females rely on landmarks to get around and are slower to take in spatial information.

Car repairs

While men are claimed to be better drivers, but it is the women who are better at basic car maintenance.

Infidelity

When it comes to spotting infidelity, men have an upper hand over women. A study by Virginia Commonwealth University found men were right 94 per cent of the time when their other halves were playing away. Women were right only 80 per cent of the time.

Dieting

Men are actually better at dieting than women, claimed a study, which found that women struggle more to avoid eating, to excess when hungry, while men are better at suppressing their appetites.

At work

Women are better at working in teams and making deals while men are more likely to excel at scheming, back-stabbing and cheating, according to a study conducted at Edinburgh and Lausanne universities.

Shopping

Women are better at shopping than men, according to researchers at the University of California, which found that women excelled at finding their way around stores and could locate products and remember the location of fruit, vegetables and high calorie treats.

Multi-tasking

A 2007 report shattered the myth that women can multi-task while men can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

A study by Right Guard said that the average man performs 13.4 roles and keeps up with his partner by doing everything from cleaning to chauffeuring children on top of holding down a full-time job.

Telling jokes

In a 2003 poll, 98 per cent of males and 68 per cent of females said men were the best at cracking gags and Prof Christie Davies, from Reading University, said that blokes became better joke tellers because they needed humour as cavemen. (ANI)

Morrissey celebrates 50th birthday with fans

Washington, May 25 (ANI): British singer Morrissey celebrated his 50 birthday in a jam-packed musical event in his hometown on May 22.

Despite being asked to cancel his shows to recover from a mystery illness, the singer seemed healthy and in high spirits as he celebrated half a century at England’s Manchester Apollo.

Morrissey was also seen shaking hands with his fans hands and cracking jokes about his “fifty gruesome years”, before his backing band surprised him by launching into a version of Happy Birthday, which the crowd sang along to.

According to Contactmusic, he responded: “I’m not 50, I’m actually 40/10.”

The tickets for the special birthday gig were sold out within 15 minutes of the opening. (ANI)

Heartbroken Winehouse ‘takes comfort in Rastafarian horse riding coach’

London, May 1 (ANI): Amy Winehouse has been overcoming her marriage breakdown woes with the help of a horse riding coach, according to reports.

The troubled pop star, who is in the middle of a divorce with jailbird hubby Blake Fielder-Civil, has allegedly had a shoulder to cry on, that of her recent friend Fidel Missore in St. Lucia.

“Fidel has been a shoulder to cry on for Amy. He has been her rock. She has told him she still loves Blake and wants to get back with him,” the Sun quoted an island source as saying.

“She cried her eyes out as she told him Blake had filed for divorce and may have got another girl pregnant. Fidel comforted her, hugging her and making jokes to try and make her smile.

“Whenever she sees Fidel, she can’t stop smiling. He is a fantastic, calming influence on her. They have become really close since Amy returned to St Lucia – and I’m sure he is one of the big reasons why she has decided to move there permanently,” the source added. (ANI)

George Bush keeps busy cleaning former First Dog’s poop these days!

New York, April 20 (ANI): George Bush revealed how he recently played top pooper-scooper after taking the former First Dog, Barney, for a walk.

At the Boao Forum for Asia, a gathering for government, business and academic leaders, the ex- President of United Stated cracked jokes about his changed role and revealed he had even carried plastic bags to pack the terrier’s dropping.

“I was picking up what I had been dodging for eight years,” the New York Daily News quoted him as saying.

The 62-year-old further shared jokes after giving up the Oval Office, narrating one incident when he had collapsed on the couch breathing a sigh of relief, saying: “Free at last”.

And his wife, Laura, replied: “You’re free to do the dishes.”

Bush later moved on to more serious topics like terrorism and the financial crisis, saying that he recalled calling Wall Street drunk and that it had given the country a hangover.

He joked: “Maybe the next time around, there won’t be enough booze.” (ANI)

Jackie Mason in racism row after calling Obama a ‘schvartze’

Washington, Mar 16 (ANI): Veteran comedian Jackie Mason has come under fire for calling U.S. President Barack Obama a ‘schvartze’, a controversial Yiddish phrase used to describe black people that is allegedly a racist slur.

The comment came during a performance at Feinstein in New York.

At least one member of the audience walked out after Mason called Obama a ‘schwartza’.

The 72-year-old’s use of the word has sparked a row over whether it’s an offensive term – but the comedian is refusing to back down.

“I’m an old Jew. I was raised in a Jewish family where ‘schwartza’ was used. It’s not a demeaning word and I’m not going to defend myself,” Contactmusic quoted Mason, as telling TMZ.com.

“Chris Rock has told a lot more jokes about whites than I have against blacks. What about the demeaning words blacks say about Jews?

“If it’s a racist society, the white people are the ones being persecuted because they have to defend themselves,” he added. (ANI)

1,600-year-old Roman joke book reveals classic gags

London, Mar 15 (ANI): A book of jokes has emerged which casts the Romans in a new and less serious-minded light.

Classics professor Mary Beard has brought to light a volume more than 1,600 years old, which she says shows the Romans not to be the “pompous, bridge-building toga wearers” they’re often believed as, but rather a race ready to laugh at themselves.

The tome, written in Greek, Philogelos, or The Laughter Lover, dates to the third or fourth century AD.

It contains some 260 jokes which Beard said are “very similar” to the contemporary jokes.

“They’re also poking fun at certain types of foreigners – people from Abdera, a city in Thrace, were very, very stupid, almost as stupid as [they thought] eggheads [were],” The Guardian quoted Beard, as saying.

Professor Beard, who came across it while researching humour in the ancient world for a book on the subject, said most of the jokes were categorised into various themes including ‘the absentminded professor’ and ‘the charlatan prophet’.

There is also an ancient version of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch. (ANI)

Odd footwear converts Roo into Man U’s ‘granddad’

London, Feb.9 (ANI): Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney became the butt of jokes in the Man United dressing room over his odd footwear recently.

According to The Sun, he arrived for a training session in a pair of old man’s slippers.

As a result, team mates gave him the nickname “granddad.” (ANI)

Odd footwear converts Roo into Man U’s ‘granddad’

London, Feb.9 (ANI): Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney became the butt of jokes in the Man United dressing room over his odd footwear recently.

According to The Sun, he arrived for a training session in a pair of old man’s slippers.

As a result, team mates gave him the nickname “granddad.” (ANI)

Obama jokes about being replaced by Jessica Simpson on Us Weekly’s cover

Washington, Feb 2 (ANI): American President Barack Obama jokingly said that he was crushed after he was cut from the cover of Us Weekly.

Obama was showed the cover of the newest issue of Us Weekly by Matt Lauer in which he had been replaced by singer Jessica Simpson.

“Yeah, it’s a little hurtful,” the magazine quoted Obama as saying.

Lauer, who sat down with Obama before the Super Bowl aired Sunday on NBC, pointed out Simpson’s picture.

“You got replaced by Jessica Simpson!” Lauer stated.

To which Obama replied: “Who’s in a weight battle, apparently. Oh well!” (ANI)