Let’s write the sequel to Battleship based on some crap I found on my kitchen table

A few years back, moviegoers had a big belly laugh when they heard that a movie studio was immolating $200 million on an alien invasion flick based on the 1967 board game Battleship. “Haw haw!” we innocently guffawed. “Obligatory bon mot about red a

nd white pegs! You sunk my battleship! Insert mock glee about cultural fatuousness and strip-mined childhood memories here!”

Well, now the joke’s on us. Prior to opening in North America, Battleship has made ducats a-go-go worldwide because — as Michael Bay’s robots-in-disguise trilogy taught us — we as a species are genetically predisposed toward ogling chunks of computer-generated alloy making noises similar to Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music. (It’s the siren song of SKRONK-SKRONK-PHWEESH.)

Battleship’s newfound loot guarantees that some Snidely Whiplash lookalike in Hollywood is itching to fast-track a sequel. But what will Battleship 2 look like? Given that A.) nobody on the planet asked for a Battleship movie; and B.) Paramount Pictures is using the last uncurled finger on its magic monkey’s paw to make Transformers 4 for 2014, it is my sincere belief that Battleship 2 will have nothing to do with battleships.

Let’s discuss the plot of director Peter Berg’s Battleship (trailer here) for a moment. There’s a yawning narrative gulf between Battleship the board game and Battleship the movie. Nothing about the former suggests the latter, save for the shared loose theme of naval combat (and some peg-shaped alien missiles).

As I noted back in 2010, board game movies must plot that which is essentially plotless. Using the Milton-Bradley source material alone, Battleship’s screenwriters at best could’ve penned a period war movie with the maritime historical credibility of Baywatch Nights.

The scriptwriters also could’ve cobbled together decades worth of Battleship commercial ephemera. For example, we could’ve learned how quickly that wife divorced her husband (in the above 1968 box art) and what grandpa had for breakfast (in the TV spot at left). The film would be not unlike that GEICO caveman sitcom or an opera starring Domino’s Pizza Noid or a sonnet about the Michelin Man.

Battleship isn’t exactly novel for being a movie based on a tabletop game (see: 1985′s Clue and 2000′s Dungeons and Dragons). No, Battleship is kind of exemplary for possessing source material that in no way necessitates what happens onscreen. The bare minimum the filmmakers needed were battleships, and the noun “battleship” alone does not have a plot (non-etymologically speaking).

No, the movie Battleship relies on the audience’s collective memory of playing a game of Battleship, most likely during elementary school recess, when the only two non-picked-over options are Battleship and half a deck of urine-stained Uno cards.

And like a male anglerfish fusing to the much larger female anglerfish’s body and becoming a living testicle, this meager nostalgia has affixed itself to the present, populist, SKRONK-SKRONK-PHWEESH edifice of the Transformers movies. If Battleship came out in the 1980s, it might have a theme song by Menudo. That’s what happened to Rubik’s Cube, after all.

Think of Battleship as a tiny human pilot inside a 50-foot-tall Michael Bay golem made of box office receipts. You could switch out that pilot and nobody would notice, but people are reassured if they know who that pilot is.

Similarly, you could toss any number of communal experiences in the framework of Battleship (the movie) and come out with a narrative that’s 99% similar. I’m guessing the only reason Battleship (the game) was selected as blockbuster bait was to sell the inevitable Battleship Monopoly. (“Liam Neeson’s Flinty Gaze” = Marvin Gardens?)

With this mind, it’s abundantly clear Battleship 2 has zip need for the game Battleship. In fact, I’ve discovered an assortment of common objects on my kitchen table that will fuel the next three sequels. Mustache-twirling studio executives, please email me my requisite 46% of the domestic gross or risk legal action. Thank you.

Battleship 2: Plastic Hanger

Everybody uses coat hangers. But what if aliens didn’t use coat hangers? What if aliens had grenades that looked like coat hangers? And these grenades exploded? This could be a potent Invasion of the Bodysnatchers-meets-S.W.A.T.-style hybrid.

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Battleship 2: Val-Pak

Everybody receives junk mail. What if aliens could infiltrate by shapeshifting into junk mail? And this junk mail exploded? TWIST: The aliens are also copies of PARADE magazine. Marilyn vos Savant is an alien. Howard Huge is her trusted lieutenant. DOUBLE TWIST: I accidentally threw away my PARADE magazine yesterday.

Battleship 2: Pieces of Wax From A Yankee Candle

Everybody has seen random pieces of wax. What if these random pieces of wax were a code? A code from another planet? A code to make an explosive? From a planet that once exploded? And what if this planet smelled like Baltic Pine? Guest-starring Foxy Brown.

SCENARIOS – North Korea again at centre of regional tension

North Korea warned it would close the last road link across the increasing tense peninsula if the South goes ahead with a threat to broadcast anti-Pyongyang propaganda into its hermit neighbour.

Tensions are mounting after the South blamed the North for torpedoing one of its warships, killing 46 sailors.

Following is a look at what may have motivated the North to raise the stakes by sinking a South Korean battleship and how it may react to the hard line from the conservative South Korean government of President Lee Myung-bak:

REVENGE

One popularly ascribed motive for the March 26 outh Korean corvette Cheonan was payback for a humiliating beating in a naval clash in November near their disputed maritime border. The South’s navy was operating under new rules of engagement imposed after Lee took office, to strike fast and strike to win decisively.

The humiliation may have been all the greater because the North, and its self proclaimed “invincible” army, got pounded when it may not even have been looking for a fight in the first place. “It’s a case of getting beaten up when they weren’t even being very cocky,” an expert on the North’s propaganda said.

By most accounts, Kim Jong-il would have to have agreed to the torpedo attack. What may have come as a surprise was that the South was able to come up with evidence — some remains of the remains of the torpedo — to prove the North’s involvement.

LEADER UNDER PRESSURE

Some experts say that the attack seems to have been disproportionate to the North’s losses in the November skirmish, especially as most North Koreans would have had no idea the clash had even taken place, and certainly not that it lost.

One explanation is that the reclusive Kim, known at home as the “ear Leader” is struggling to secure the succession of his youngest son to head the family dynasty that has run the North since its founding after World War Two.

As a result, he needs to display his strength, especially to the military elite that he has nurtured as leader and put at the top of society’s hierarchy.

Kim himself looks in poor health after an apparent stroke nearly two years ago. His government also reportedly faced rare public unrest after a disastrous change in the value of the currency late last year forced the closure of private markets, which help make up for the state’s inability to supply its own people with enough food.

Dictatorships undergoing internal political turmoil tend to manifest disproportionately belligerent behaviour to the outside world, said Victor Cha, a U.S. expert who had been involved in negotiations with the North.

EXTORTION

North Korea has often staged provocative incidents as a way to get back to the negotiating table with the South and regional powers to extract economic and political concessions.

If this was the motive, then it backfired. Whatever inclination there may have been to bring the six regional powers back together to formulate a massive package of aid to the North in return for Pyongyang’s promise to dismantle its nuclear arms programme all but disappeared with the sinking of the Cheonan.

Kim Jong-il’s interest may have been more in separate talks with the United States to discuss a permanent peace treaty to replace the armistice that ended fighting in the 1950-53 Korean War, than with the the group hosted by China and also involved South Korea, Japan and Russia.

Some analysts and defectors from the North say the leaders in Pyongyang have a genuine fear of an invasion by the United States launched from the soils of its ally, South Korea. There is also huge mileage for domestic propaganda purposes in tellings its public that it was negotiating with the United States on equal footing. Staging a deadly attack in the waters near a naval border it had disputed gives the North’s military an excuse to demand talks on ending a truce.

PEACE TREATY

This a variation on the above scenario, with the difference that the North is looking for a security framwework instead of aid. The Cheonan sinking is the latest in a series of incidents along the disputed maritime border in the Yellow Sea, including an exchange of artillery fire in January.

Kim Jong-il may be hoping to goad the United States into taking more seriously his demands to finally agree a peace treaty to formally end the 1950-53 Korean War. Washington has been reluctant to be lured into those talks, arguing the North must first give up its efforts to build nuclear weapons.

Much of the justification for his iron rule, and extreme poverty that faces most of his population, is that it is the only way to keep a beligerent United States at bay. A peace treaty would not only allow him to stop raiding his depleted treasury to pay for one of the world’s largest standing armies, some analysts say it would also open the way to international financial aid for his broken economy.

The peninsula remains in a technical state of war because the Korean War ended in a truce, not a peace treaty. If Kim keeps making the Yellow Sea border — drawn unilaterally by the U.S.-led United Nations Command at the end of the war — a combat zone, maybe that would eventually lead to peace treaty talks. After all, previous instances of North Korean misbehaviour resulted in negotiations that led to benefits.

ARMS SALES DEMO

North Korea depended heavily on exports of missile and artillery parts for a large part of its income before a U.N. sanctions last year for testing a nuclear device sharply cut off its trade. It may have wanted to demonstrate its capabilities in submarine and torpedo warfare. (Editing by Jonathan Thatcher and Bill Tarrant)

Poland observes 70th anniversary of beginning of WWII

Warsaw (Poland), Sep.1 (ANI): Commemorations have begun in Poland to mark the 70th anniversary of the outbreak of the Second World War.

The first ceremony took place at dawn on Westerplatte peninsula near Gdansk, where a German battleship fired the first shots on a Polish fort in 1939.

Poland’s president and prime minister led a sombre ceremony at the fort.

President Kaczynski and Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk joined war veterans beside a monument to the heroes of Westerplatte at 4:45 a.m. local time.

The ceremony marked the exact time on September 1, 1939 when the German battleship Schleswig-Holstein opened fire at point-blank range on the fort, reports the BBC.

At the same time, the German Wehrmacht invaded Poland from east, west and south. The attacks triggered Britain and France’s declaration of war against Germany two days later.

Foreign leaders from 20 countries including Germany and Russia are expected in Gdansk later in the day as ceremonies continue.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin will speak later. (ANI)

NYPD gets radiation detectors to search bombs

New York, July 4 (ANI): The US Department of Homeland Security has given three state-of-the-art radiation detectors to the New York Police Department to patrol city streets in search of dirty bombs and other nuclear threats.

The 450,000-dollar worth Advanced Spectroscopic Portal Monitors will be placed in three SUVs on Wednesday at entrances to tunnels, bridges and tollbooths, the Daily News reports.

The detectors had been purchased by DHS’ National Nuclear Detection Office for use at the nation’s ports, but officials concluded they weren’t strong enough to penetrate ship containers, police sources said.

Officials believe they will be able to detect radioactive isotopes emanating from a dirty bomb in the back of a car.

“We think they’ll be useful getting hits on vehicles on the road,” a NYPD official said.

Recently, the department had also purchased 8,000 Dosimeters, pager-sized detectors to be given to police if there is a nuclear attack.

Outfitted in protective gear, officers would use the Dosimeters to find “hot spots” of radiation.

Additionally, sources said the NYPD will station a sophisticated radiation-detecting device at this weekend’s July 4 celebration at the retired battleship Intrepid.

The Thermo is used up to a dozen times a year and is stationed at the main entrance to a sensitive target.

It has previously been used at the U.S. Open Tennis tournament, the New Year’s Eve celebration in Times Square, and at meetings of the United Nations General Assembly, sources said. (ANI)

French battleship sunk in 1917 found on Mediterranean Sea floor

London, Feb 20 (ANI): In a survey for a gas pipeline between Algeria and Italy, a company has discovered a French battleship sunk in 1917, in remarkable condition on the floor of the Mediterranean Sea.

According to a report by BBC News, the ship, known as The Danton, with many of its gun turrets still intact, is sitting upright in over 1,000m of water.

It was found by the Fugro geosciences company during a survey for a gas pipeline between Algeria and Italy.

The Danton, which sank with 296 sailors still onboard, lies 35km southwest of the island of Sardinia.

The ship, named after the French revolutionary Georges Danton, was 19,000-tonne, and 150 m-long; and was carrying over 1,000 men when it was attacked by Germany’s U-64 submarine at 1317 on 18 March, 1917.

Naval historians record that the Danton’s Captain Delage stood on the bridge with his officers and made no attempt to leave the ship as it went down.

The ship dug out the sediment as it hit the seafloor. Despite tumbling through the water, many guns stayed in place.

“Its condition is extraordinary,” said Rob Hawkins, project director with Fugro GeoConsulting Limited.

“After it was hit by the torpedoes, the Danton clearly turned turtle and rotated several times. You can see where it dropped some infrastructure on the way down and then impacted on the seabed,” according to Hawkins.

“You can see where it slid along the seabed before coming to a rest,” he told BBC News.

A comparison with the original plans for the battleship – in particular, the position of its 240mm guns – confirms the wreck’s identity.

The final resting place is a few kilometers from where people have traditionally thought the ship met its end.

The wreck is just off the point where the southern pipeline meets Sardina.

“The French Admiralty did argue with us for a while that it should have been several nautical miles away, but we reminded them that modern GPS methods are more accurate than the sextants they used in those days,” said Hawkins.

Analysis of the Danton’s debris field suggests the battleship landed at the bed from the northwest.

As a consequence, a decision was taken to offset the 66cm-diameter pipeline by 300m to the southeast of the wreck location, thus avoiding any obvious structural items that had fallen clear of the vessel during its descent and forward of any sediment kicked up in the bed impact. (ANI)